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The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the
cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were
pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit
me leg off."
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"
"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship,
pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the
fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye
patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."
It was little Billy's first day of kindergarden.
The first day the teacher asked to class to say their ABC's. Most of
the children only reached L or M, but little Billy got all the way to Z.
So, little Billy runs home to tell his father.
"Daddy, Daddy. Today, in class, teacher asked us all to say our ABC's
and most of the kids only got to L or M but I got all the way to Z!!!"
His daddy looks him sqare in the eyes and says "Billy, That's cause
you're from Alabama."
The second day of class the teacher asks all the kids to count to 100.
Most of the children only get to 45 or 50 but Billy got all the way to
100.
So, little Billy runs home to tell his fater.
"Daddy, Daddy. Today in class, teacher asked us to count to 100 and
most the kids only got to 45 or 50 but I got all the way to 100!!!"
His daddy looks him square in the eyes and sayd "Billy, that's cause
you're from Alabama."
The next day all the boys in Billy's class are taking a potty break.
Billy looks around and notices that his penis is bigger than all the other
little boys'.
So, little Billy runs hime to tell his father.
"Daddy, Daddy. Today in class all the boys were taking a potty break
and I looked over and I noticed that my penis is bigger than everybody
else's. Is that cause I'm from Alabama, too?"
His daddy looks him square in the eyes and says "No, Billy, that's
cause you're 18."
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe under one arm. He walks up to
the bar, places the giraffe on the floor and orders a beer.
The bartender gets the guy his drink and then says, “Hey, you can’t leave dat lyin’ there!”
The guy gives the bartender a weird look and says, “It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”
A duck walks into a bar.
He walks up to the bar. The bartender asks what he can get him.
"I'd like some grapes please." says the duck.
"Look, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes here." says the bartender.
So the duck leaves.
The ducks comes back the next day.
He walks up to the bar. The bartender asks what he can get him.
"I'd like some grapes please." says the duck.
"I told you yesterday. This is a bar and we don't have any grapes!"
says the bartender angrily.
So the duck leaves.
The duck returns to the bar the next day.
He walks up to the bar. The bartender asks what he can get him.
"I'd like some grapes please." says the duck.
"I've told you twice already!" says the bartender. "We don't have any
grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes I'm gonna nail your
bill to the bar!"
So the duck leaves.
The following day the duck walks into the bar.
He walks up to the bartender. The bartender asks what he can get him.
The duck says "Got any nails?"
The bartender looks a little puzzled and says "No..."
"I'll have some grapes, then."
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with a demon.
Demon: “Why so glum, chum?”
Guy: “What do you think? I'm in Hell.”
Demon: “Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinkin' man?”
Guy: “Sure, I love to drink.”
Demon: “Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all
we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer, wine coolers; we drink till
we throw up and then we drink some more.”
Guy: “Gee, that sounds great.”
Demon: “You a smoker?”
Guy: “You better believe it.”
Demon: “All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
and cigarettes from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out.
If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead!”
Guy: “Oh, man! This is too much!”
Demon: “I bet you like to gamble.”
Guy: “Yes, as a matter of fact I do.”
Demon: “Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack,
horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai-gow poker table.”
Guy: “Gosh, I never played pai-gow before...”
Demon: “Well now you can. You like to do drugs?”
Guy: “Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...”
Demon: “That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great
big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all
the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead!”
Guy: “Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!”
Demon: “You gay?”
Guy: “Uh, no.”
Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate the weekends.”
It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the bar.
“What will you have?” the bartender asked.
“I’ll have a glass of blood,” the first replied.
“I’ll have a glass of blood, too, please,” said the second.
“I’ll have a glass of plasma,” said the third.
“OK, let me get this straight,” the bartender said. “That’ll be two bloods and a blood light?”
Three ecologists are exploring the deep jungles of the Amazon searching
for new plant life when they are they are captured by a tribe of cannibals.
They are taken back to the village to be tried by the chief. The chief
stares at the white men and is about to give the usual ‘let’s boil them
alive’ orders, when he gets an idea.
“I shall let each of you go,” he says, “if you can go out into the
jungle and within one hour, come back with 10 identical pieces of fruit.”
The men are overjoyed when they hear this so off they run into the jungle
to gather fruit.
Half an hour later one of them comes back with 10 peaches and proudly
brings them to the chief. The chief looks at the fruit and tells him that
he will let him go if he can shove all 10 pieces of fruit up his rear end
without changing his facial expression.
He notices all the serious faces of the tribesmen so he starts to shove
one up there, but with the peach halfway in he lets out an agonizing shriek
of pain. The chief promptly gives the order to kill him.
10 minutes later the second guy comes back and sees his friend lying
dead in the dirt. The tribesmen grab him and tell him to open his hands
for the chief. In his hands he holds 10 identical berries. When the chief
gives the same orders he is visibly relieved and quickly begins to shove
the fruit up his rear end. 1...2...3...4…5...6...7...8...9..... and suddenly
the guy busts out laughing! Not amused, the chief once again gives the
order to kill the guy.
Now the two dead guys are up in heaven discussing what had just happened.
“You only had one more berry to shove and you were home free! Why did you
start laughing?”
“I couldn’t help it. I lost it when I saw Fred coming down the path
with 10 pineapples!”
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right
by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, "Sorry, you know the law,
you've got to go back across the border right now."
The Mexican man pleads with him, "No, noooo, Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The border patrol agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him, and says "OK, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence."
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: green, pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says,
"Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green... I pink it up, and
sez yellow?"
An old geezer was watching television when he screamed to his wife,
"Get in here right now. You won't believe the perverted thing they're showing
on TV."
His wife took one look, then said, "Put your glasses on, you old goat. That's just Castro eating a banana."
An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend
a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey
his commands, so there wouldn’t be any trouble.
The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, “Up, nuts!” and the inmates immediately rose. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, “Down, nuts!” and the inmates sat. The game proceeded and the inmates were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, “Clap, nuts!” and the patients applauded just like normal fans. Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on.
The director finally located his assistant and demanded, “What happened?”
“Everything was fine,” the assistant said, “until some guy came over and yelled, ‘Pea-nuts’!
It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around
for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive
lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll
of the dice. The dealers agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!”
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. “YES! I WIN! I WIN!”
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn
some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to
draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!” but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”
This guy goes to the doctor for an annual check up. The doctor comes
out and says, “Do you want the bad news or the really bad news?”
The man says, “ Give me the really bad news.”
“Well,” says the doctor, “you’ve got cancer.”
“Damn,” replies the man. “What’s the bad news?”
“You also have Alzheimer’s disease,” says the doctor.
“Whew,” says the man, “good thing it’s not cancer.”